How are we feeling???

If there's one thing that bootcamp taught me, it's that I can yell "great" whilst grinning and completely lying through my smile.  Thankfully Louise, the trainer at Motivate Bootcamp is fully aware we're grimacing through the pain - but at least when you fake it till you make it, you still make it!

Yes, I spent last weekend in Buxton on a Bootcamp weekend and actually, I had a really good weekend.

I arrived in Stockport to get a lift with a woman I've never met to go off to a YHA hostel just outside of Buxton to be shouted and exercised at by complete strangers.  Proof indeed that I have a weird side...  Thankfully, Hall Bank in Hartington is beautiful - a 17th Century manor where Bonnie Prince Charlie apparently once had his own room.  I was one of a dozen women who'd come for the whole weekend - a Friday - Sunday bootcamp extravaganza!  We started with fitness tests and boxercise, and by that point I'd had enough.

It's fair to say Boxercise was a proper work out - far harder than I'd thought it would be watching other people do it.  Add in the ducking and diving and pasta salad for me and I had the dubious honour of being the first (OK, only!) person to throw up during bootcamp.  One session in!!  First session and I was going woozy, turning pale and throwing up in the toilet.  If I'd been closer to home, I think that would have been the point to admit defeat, decide i couldn't do it and go home.  Harder to do when you're stranded in the countryside and everyone is really supportive and lovely.  Well, except my partner at the prospect of me throwing up on her, but she was definitely encouraging me to have a rest :)

Some cold water, a break and some sheer bloodymindedness and I was back on it, as well as the circuits (apparently burpies also make me feel sick!) and stretches and one hell of a work out.  Circuits were definitely more fun than boxing, especially with a reprieve from Steve on those blasted burpies.

By the time we'd had a shower and some food, all most of us could muster was the sofa in the lounge (although there might have been a couple of escapees to the local pub!) and we had a lazy night getting to know one another a little better and talking about food!  Not helped by the lovely smells of dinner coming from the adjacent restaurant. I made the responsible decision to have a non alcoholic drink at the bar, but may have weirded out the barman slight by telling him I was having an argument with my inner devil.  The devil wanted deluxe hot chocolate, perhaps with a whiskey chaser.  I ended up with soda water.  I'm so good / so not worth undoing the torture of bloody boxercise so soon!

Saturday started with lots of sore bits and an interval "run" - which meant running only down hills and only when Louise was looking.  As well as lots of different classes, I also unfortunately learnt how to do burpies without being sick as Louise proved she's definitely the tougher trainer (I'd managed anything like star jumps by closing my eyes, but it's impossible to do burpies like that).  Apparently the answer is a fixed point of view, like when you're travel sick in the car and hurrah, I'm cured of my allergy to burpies.  Oh joy!!!

The classes were all tough, but the team were great, with a few extra ladies who'd joined us for the last two days.  Team games were fun - especially beating the others at tug-of-war even with Steve on their side.  Even being on the end of the tug of war as the biggest on the team didn't bother me the way it usually would have - it felt much more like just a face rather than a defining aspect of me.

The day was hard, really hard, and there were several times when I felt close to my limit - close to my body not being able to carry on and do what was being asked of it but i battled on, with the encouragement of Steve and Louise who are great trainers, and the support of the wider team.  Whenever one of us was struggling, we were all there to encourage each other and keep each other going, sharing a laugh or a grimace of pain and giving each other the strength to persevere.

Seven hours of training is more than I would have thought I could do, but in actual fact I never reached that limit i assumed I had - it seems my body can do a lot more than I gave it credit for.

The highlight of Saturday was definitely the rather painful sports massage, I could feel the future pain coming out and easing away.  It might not have felt like that every time I got up from the sofa that evening, but I knew when I got up Sunday that it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it would have been without it!  I'd actually like to pack her in my suitcase and take her to Nepal with me!!

Saturday night was another sofa night with X Factor and a second early night - we definitely were not the party princesses of Buxton but at least there was hot chocolate for a hard days work!

A lovely Sunday dawned with clear skies and an early walk through the countryside followed by an interval "run" than even Louises encouragmenet couldn't turn into a run.  It might have only been a half day, but they made sure we worked hard to the end and everyone put their every last effort in to the final sessions.

It was a weekend of hard sweat and at least once nearly tears (honestly, I'm not sure my thighs could have burnt more without bursting in to flames) but also laughter and friendship and for all of us the proof that we can push ourselves further and harder, achieve more than we thought we could.

For me, it showed me that even when I think I can't give any more, I can.  My body can do what I need it to, and that better mean 10 days working and climbing my butt off in Nepal!

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International  here at http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal or by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255.

Your own Motivate Bootcamp weekend can be booked here: https://motivatebootcamp.co.uk/ 

I am NOT a goat, that is NOT a path!

Lets be honest, what I was about to do on Tuesday morning was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done physically and probably mentally.  I was stood at the base of Snowdon with most of the Nepal team and now I was expected to climb it, and I honestly didn't know if I could do it.

The night before in the pub, everything had been relaxed and fun and the climb seemed possible, but in the early morning sunshine, fully dressed in walking boots and back pack and far too many layers, I just wasn't sure I could.  I'd had the drama over whether my hydration bladder was leaking (turns out I can't fit a lid properly) and had been for about 3 emergency wee's of my own; I'd packed enough snacks for half the team; I'd not really figured out the reality of what was going to come next.

8.35 am text to my husband: "We're just leaving.  I feel sick.  Nerves and fear of judgement xx"

I was so scared that I would just be no good, that I would let everyone down and they would wish I wasn't on the team, that they'd prefer it if one of the reserves had my place instead.  Of course, the biggest criticism is in my own head, I know that deep down but it's hard to drown out the voices and think that they're not all around not just inside.  Every concern i'd expressed my team had been great about, but it still wasn't enough.

10.00 am: "I already want to cry and go home!!  Now we've stopped I'm good, but the thought of starting again.  We've done 40 minutes and I'm already struggling.  My chest isn't good but I'm determined I will do this, I will not get rescued and kicked off the team!!! xx"

Perhaps mountain climbing with a bad chest wasn't a great idea, but I'd spent all week ill with one thing or another and I was determined to not let this beat me.  Part of me felt that if I didn't do the climb that I would jepodise my place on the climb, and part of me felt if i didn't do the climb that I should just give up my place anyway.  It might have helped if there was a clear path, but there were times when I honestly felt like we were just climbing up random rocks.  I am no a goat, I cannot climb up vertical pathways!!  There was really a point when I just wanted to cry and tell them I was going back down.  My chest hurt and I felt like I couldn't breathe and walk and climb all at the same time, and my thighs hurt and my legs were too short and it was just so hard.

Thankfully the rest of the team were great, encouraging me and believing in me and telling me I could, I was doing it.  If I'd been alone there's no way I could have carried on.

11.06 am: "Got to the next stop, still hard, about half way up but enjoying it a bit more.  Views amazing x"
Amazingly, my fear of heights didn't really kick in - although we were really high the drops were pretty gentle - undulating greenery and amazing lakes certainly helped!  I also learnt that you're not meant to wave at the ever hovering rescue helicopters,thankfully before one came to get me!

11.26 am: "So tired"

Honestly, at this point I just didn't even know how i'd made it this far.  I'd scrabbled over rocks that were randomly assorted and piled up, declared "I am not a goat" and "my legs are too short" more times that we'd sung Disney songs and the peak still seemed so far away. At the time when they were saying we were just 20 minutes away (ha! not at my speed) it still looked miles off, and then people on the route back down kept telling me I was nearly there.  I had to wonder just how desperate to peak I looked trekking up the last length.

And then it was there.  The last bit, the last few hundred yards and a dozen more bloody steps up to the top, to touch the bronze plaque that denotes you have arrived.

I arrived!!!!!

12.20 pm: "I'm here.  Jesus I'm shattered but very proud"

I even took a photo with my ring finger on it so no one can doubt it's mine!!  It felt like such an amazing achievement to do it and get up there (not on the train!) and it felt so good that it was with the team I was going to travel to Nepal with, to know that if (when) I have a crisis, a moment of "i can't, i can't" that my team will have my back, that they will be there for me to rely on and hopefully I can offer that support and love back when i'm not halfway up a pile of rocks!

The team posed together for a group shot, and we got the amazing news that our two reserves (one of whom happens to be one of my best friends!) were able to join the trek and come to Nepal.  I might have cried a little bit, but for all the right reasons.  I will be amazing knowing that Sheleen and I can do this trip together, that I have someone who really gets my silliness and in whom I inspire silliness (although when Suzie was ticking my new cuddly dragon, Gilly, I realised there might be a contender for humouring me!), and that we will have those amazing memories to carry forward together.

The route down felt far easier (on my chest, not my knees) and with the addition of a couple of walking sticks we seemed to drop down a huge height in very little time, leaving us with a long walk around the beautiful lakes and lots of time to take geography-esque photo's (oohhh looks at that seam of granite!  look at the strata!).  I would have happily spent a weekend camping on the side of the lake it was so stunning, but there was a pub stop and a drive home to my husband calling.  Perhaps I can convince my husband to get up there on the train...

When we finally got back to the vehicles I had a well deserved double whiskey to celebrate and we headed home, with aching legs and glad hearts.  It really was an amazing day and even though, two days later, my thighs still ache, I'm feeling so much more confident and excited about Nepal.  I know there's a long way to go - how hard Snowdon was really helped me see how much I have to do if I want to do that four days in a row, but I'm determined, just as soon as I can walk again, to get those legs moving and ready for the next big pile of randomly assorted up rocks!

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International  here at http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal or by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255.

Fundraising fundraising

Selling Cakes for Nepal! 

I don't think any of us wanted to see any more cakes for a while, but it's nice to know that as we're all getting fitter we're filling the tummies of Walsall with cake!  

And the aubergine and lime cake was a taste revelation...

 

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International  here at http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal or by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255.

Bootcamp and bras!!

It was a pretty busy week last week, with me starting boot camp and the gym, and a disproportionate amount of it consequently in pain!!  My fairly relaxed "ohh I feel really good today" on Thursday quickly became "aagghhhh I feel like dying today" by Friday morning.

April, who's also on the Nepal trip, has been running boot-camp for a month or so, but on the nights I've been working at youth club.  However, now she's doing an extra night a week and I have no excuse / escape.

 

First session, on a very hot and sunny day, I see a new side of April - the generally sweet and caring girlie turned into a bossy bossy woman!  Firstly, I've realised that if you;re talking weather and boot-camp, the ideal answer is not sunshine.  Nope.  The sun takes no prisoners and neither does the crazy lady is making you so frog jumps, burpies and planks.  Either I stick my bum in the air, or my knees are temptingly low to the floor.  Burpies are just the devils work, but thank god for the two bras I was wearing, else we'd have been treating half the team for trauma!!  That is not how to make a good impression on the Chief Exec.

All the money we pay for boot-camp is going towards our Nepal trek, and it's getting us fitter for those 6 hour daily walks up the mountains.  If my first session was anything to go by though, she's definitely got her work cut out for her, about as hard a job as my poor sports bra.

All that jiggling about in the sun left me feeling rather like I was going to throw up, but apparently that's the sign of a good work out - although i was threatened with the sack if I threw up on the Chief Exec - uh, not this side of the Nepal Trip thank you very much!!

I've joined the local gym too and did my first work out on the Thursday - an hour of treadmill (ugh), cross trainer (evil), rowing machine (fun) and some weights.  All great until a couple of hours later when I could barely move.  I was actually lying in bed wanting to roll over and not being willing to use the muscles it required, my stomach hurt that much!  I can't say it got much better the next day to be honest.

I know the physical aspect of the trek will be the hardest part, but it's also the bit I have real control over.  I just need to give it my all, get fit, watch what I eat and get my toned butt up that mountain!

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255. 

Alternatively, if you want to sponsor me, you can do so here: http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal

Practice dress up!

Well my boots and thermals certainly got a good try out against the mud and 2 am cold at Bloodstock.  I practically lived in my thermals for the last two days, but thankfully when off to see bands they passed for purple tights and gave me some much needed cool points!!

After years of layers of socks inside thin soled wellies, I've definitely been converted to the joys of proper boots!!

It didn't rain for the first few days, which meant I got to plod around camp in my walking socks, which are amazing!!  Only problem is, they got so much dried grass stuck to the bottom of them that even after a machine wash, I'm still pulling the bloody stuff off it!  Downside was treading where someone had emptied their hot chocolate, and ending up with a soggy brown patch...

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255. 

Alternatively, if you want to sponsor me, you can do so here: http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal

Fat Girls Can't What?

"So, what are you doing Charlotte?"

Innocent enough comment as a group of us sit around talking about my trip, the training I need to do generally to get ready for Nepal, perhaps a justified comment considering that I am officially fat and it doesn't take a genius to look at me, judge me and make that sensible conclusion that i'm probably the biggest on the team. Logic dictates that I must be the least fit, that surely anyone less fit than me wouldn't even consider it!!   However, regardless of this logic, it was the tone of the question and other similar comments from other random people about fitness and exercise that seem pointed at me specifically because of my size.  I think it's more than just my paranoia and internal dialogue having a mean fit. Thankfully, I've not had nor would expect to get such comments from my team, that I imagine their biggest concern is likely to be that I come across as a bit weird!! This was just a random chat between people who don't really know me, yet have the right to judge me on my weight in a way that it isn't socially acceptable to do about anything else.
I smiled politely at the question, explained about how I was going to boot camp and the gym, deflected the answer in my head which ran along the lines of "I'm doing everything I can, I'm trying, I'm having a go, I'm putting myself so far out of my comfort zone I'll need a bloody A to Z (OK, Google Maps) to find my way back, but do you know what?  At least I'm doing it!  I will not be limited by the boundaries of my fear, otherwise i'd never leave the house!!".  I was the polite young lady my father raised.

The conversation moved on to talk about practice walks, and how my Nepal team are going to Snowdon a few months before as a team bonding exercise but also to give people an idea of what they still need to do by way of training and preparedness.  "I guess it'll give people an opportunity to drop out if they're not fit enough, it's not fair on the rest of your team otherwise".  Did I imagine the pointed look that came my way?  I don't think so.

Of course, it's entirely possible this person was being general and inquisitive out of genuine interest in my fitness regime, but again, there's a tone, a look I am becoming accustomed to.  A look that says i'm being ridiculous to want to do what all the other (normal, healthy, not fat) people do, that I can't possibly be as good as everyone else on the team.  It feels like all anyone can see is that I'm fat, so i must be unfit, I must be lazy, that sitting around on my bottom eating chocolate cake (oh god, how I wish I had the time!!) must be my primary endeavour and I'm probably going to get 3 steps up the mountain, cry and demand to be airlifted to the bottom.  Despite the fact that Homeless International don't put restrictions on weight or size (their interest is in your overall health) it seems that like everything else, all we care about is a persons size, and the judgements we get to make about them consequently. And these judgements haven't come from the people who will be doing the trek with me, the people who most have to worry about my capability. It's the trainer at the gym, the guy selling me shoes in the shop, people who are just generally curious about what we're off to do.

Don't get me wrong, i know i need to improve my fitness, but then again if i was 10 stone I'd need to improve my fitness because i don't climb that many mountains or even really hills.  I spend my daytime's split between the office and being out on the estate, I spend my evenings split between running after other peoples teenagers and vegging on the sofa.  I spend any time outside of that seeing family and friends, doing two lots of volunteer work and looking vaguely at the housework which comes at the bottom of all my to-do lists.  Basically, I have the same basic standard of fitness as most of us, with a greater fondness for cake.

I've been dieting on and off (all my adult life?) for the last few years, but when I got married April 2013 there was an additional priority for losing weight, with the hope of the pitter patter of tiny feet in our future.  I've lost some weight, but the pressure I put on myself to lose it is counter-productive, and much of it has yo-yo'd on and off.  I have a slip, I beat myself up, I tell myself that I'm never going to do it and I'll never be a mom, I slip further and on it goes.  However, whilst the pre-wedding diet utterly failed (until, ironically, after the final dress fitting!), the post wedding diet has been a bit better, and I've lost a stone.  There's still a long way to do, but getting fit for Nepal actually feels like less personal pressure.  Knowing that I can't let the team down is actually easier to bear than the feeling that I'm letting myself and my husband down and between eating better and getting friendly with the cross-trainer (and of course April's bootcamp hell) we finally have something approximating progress!

So yes, I need to get fit.  I know that, we all know that.  But actually, despite my desire to vomit at the end of boot camp, I wasn't the one who struggled the most - it was actually someone who far slimmer than me and is definately fitter than me, but we all have different strengths and hers isn't berpies. Encouraging me to do them and ensuring I know that i'm great and can do this whole thing - that's definately more her strength, and i'm grateful that I have people with that positivity in my life. My point is that just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I'm worse off than every one else, doesn't mean that i can't push myself to do what I need to do, and doesn't mean that the looks and the comments don't bother me.

A friends suggested I use the negative comments to spur me on, and whilst I agree on the basis of not wanting to let them get me down, actually that would make it seem like the comments were a good thing. That they were a necessary evil to get me where I need to be, and that actually, making negative comments about people's weight is permissible because it will spur them on.  How about us just being supportive of each other??

This fat girl (because even if I'm super fit and slinky by then, I'll always be a fat girl inside) is going to get to the top of those mountains, I'm not going to throw up and cry at the rope bridges (I might sing the school song - i find it soothing - and everyone else can cry), I'm not going to demand air rescue (Prince William doesn't do that anymore and I doubt he'd be covering Nepal anyway) and I'm going to prove that what anyone else can do, I can do.

Don't judge me on my looks, judge me on my achievements.

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255. 

Alternatively, if you want to sponsor me, you can do so here: http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal

My new bag

Oh yes, after much searching, one false start and the beginnings of tragic obsession, I've found the one!  Worryingly, that sounds very much like my love life...
Anyway, perhaps that's a good omen and just like my husband, hopefully the bag will join me on many exciting adventure, carry all my luggage and be comfortable to sleep on when I'm tired!

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255. 

Alternatively, if you want to sponsor me, you can do so here: http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal