Slight change of theme...

So by now i should be in Nepal, sleeping my first night in the tent after the Day 1 climb.

Instead, I'm on the sofa watching trash telly and eating takeout. 

The Thursday night a week or so before we were due, I had to take some meds, and as a fairly routine thing i took a pregnancy test.  After 18 months of trying, and being under the hospital for my problems, it never even crossed my mind that it would be anything other than negative.  All my Nepal stuff was brought, we were on the final count down and I was full of excitement.  Then it came up positive.

After an emergency trip to Tesco at about 11 pm I took another two tests and yep, it was still showing up as positive.  18 months of trying and it pops up YES just before I am due to go off on the adventure of a life time.

That night I didn't get a lot of sleep, I'll be honest.  Mingled in with happiness over pregnancy was worry over what to do about Nepal, what everyone would say, what would happen next.  I had a few pains on the Friday and an urgent appointment at the doctors (who essentially reassured me i was just over-reacting) and i think that worry about the baby helped make him/her seem a little bit more real.

Friday was a long day at work, party through sleep deprivation, but also through confusion over what to do next, and it was a relief to get on the train and head off for a weekend with my husband in York.  I tried to put Nepal out of my head and just concentrate on the excitement of being pregnant.  We spent time talking about names and plans, and just focusing on us.  Tony promised to stand by me and support me with whatever decision I made about going to Nepal and knowing I had that support, not his judgement, helped.

I spoke to Homeless International and Rob (the manager at work who is leading on the trip) and it was agreed that I could still travel if I wanted to, but of course that was the big decision.  Even after we'd spent Monday telling our family and assuring everyone I wasn't going to Nepal, there was still a part of me that thought maybe it was possible, that maybe there was a way to do it safely.  Homeless International even offered to make special arrangements for me so i didn't have to do the trek (so in actual fact tonight could have been my first night with a local Nepalese family), but the decision had to be mine.

On Wednesday morning (essentially D Day) I had an appointment with the midwife, and by lunchtime I needed to make a final decision about Nepal so there would be some hope of a replacement.  The midwife told me what I would need to do if I was going to fly, and there was still a part of me imagining going with my bump and being able to show them the photo's when they were older of what an amazing trip they'd been a part of. 

They dated my pregnancy at 12 weeks so the midwife called to arrange a scan for the following week (note I was due to flt on the Monday) and when she said the first available one was Wednesday, it was suddenly really easy to make a choice.  Got to Nepal, share in this epic adventure, see mountains and slums, make a difference to the world, or miss it, stay home and see my baby.  I emailed work and told them they could fill my place.

After a week of turmoil and tears, suddenly I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  My epic adventure was just beginning, and I could make a difference in our baby's life by staying here and looking after her (him).

So Monday came, I went to work and I choose not to wave my team off.  Sheleen and I had talked, and we decided it was best for both of us.  They caught the coach to London then a plane to Qatar and then on to Kathmandu, slept overnight and caught a second plane to Pokhara.  There they met some of the amazing people working on community plans and spent the next two days digging foundations and building walls for houses.  After that they headed off from Pokhara (via a short boat trip) and began their big trek.  No wifi, no toilets, no wattsap messages to me!!!!!

In contrast, I walked in to a stunning bunch of flowers from my Nepal team on Monday that I kept on my desk as a reminder , and on Wednesday my husband and I went to the scan saw our tiny Shrimp and the little heart beating so strong.  I was only 8+1 weeks, so Shrimp is still tiny, but looks like a baby, albeit a raspberry sized one.  The little nubs that will become arms and legs have started to grow, and the head is clearly discernible.  I spent most of the week feeling tired and excited, peeing loads more than normal and showing my scan picture to anyone who'd look!  I've had some messages off Sheleen and there's a part of me wishing i was there but I know I'm in the right place, especially when I need to sleep so much lol.  Today whilst my hubby and our best man went out, I went into town and brought a couple of pregnancy books, some pregnancy tights (more bloat than baby alas) and then got a taxi home cos I was shattered.  I've spent the night on the sofa watching Downton Abbey catch-ups whilst the boys are at the pub and looking at Shrimps picture on the fireplace.

Sure it's hard knowing I came <this> close to fulfilling one of my dreams, but being a mommy has been my dream for far longer, and the adventure will last far longer.  I'm so amazingly proud of what my friends are doing in Nepal, and I can't wait to hear all about the life changing things they have seen and done, I hope through the fundraising we have done and continue to do I am still considered a part of the team - I am proud to be Princess Boggy Bear, and I can't wait to get Shrimp a little Bear baby-grow once (s)he comes along to join us.  I am so grateful for the people I have had a chance to get to know or to get to know better through this whole process, and I know that I have made new friends who I value. 

But perhaps the most valuable thing from this is that whilst I have and will always have fertility problems, maybe the extra push towards fitness to get ready for Nepal was the last push for my body to just once do the right thing and help me make a baby.  Perhaps if I'd never been part of the team I wouldn't actually be pregnant right now so that really is the best possible thing that could have come out of this trip.

My team will be getting up in a few hours to do Day 2 of the climb (still upwards!) and I'll be reading all about the next chapter of my journey in my new books and looking forward to the day when we can sit down with Aunty Sheleen and look through all her cool Nepal photo's.