Bootcamp and bras!!

It was a pretty busy week last week, with me starting boot camp and the gym, and a disproportionate amount of it consequently in pain!!  My fairly relaxed "ohh I feel really good today" on Thursday quickly became "aagghhhh I feel like dying today" by Friday morning.

April, who's also on the Nepal trip, has been running boot-camp for a month or so, but on the nights I've been working at youth club.  However, now she's doing an extra night a week and I have no excuse / escape.

 

First session, on a very hot and sunny day, I see a new side of April - the generally sweet and caring girlie turned into a bossy bossy woman!  Firstly, I've realised that if you;re talking weather and boot-camp, the ideal answer is not sunshine.  Nope.  The sun takes no prisoners and neither does the crazy lady is making you so frog jumps, burpies and planks.  Either I stick my bum in the air, or my knees are temptingly low to the floor.  Burpies are just the devils work, but thank god for the two bras I was wearing, else we'd have been treating half the team for trauma!!  That is not how to make a good impression on the Chief Exec.

All the money we pay for boot-camp is going towards our Nepal trek, and it's getting us fitter for those 6 hour daily walks up the mountains.  If my first session was anything to go by though, she's definitely got her work cut out for her, about as hard a job as my poor sports bra.

All that jiggling about in the sun left me feeling rather like I was going to throw up, but apparently that's the sign of a good work out - although i was threatened with the sack if I threw up on the Chief Exec - uh, not this side of the Nepal Trip thank you very much!!

I've joined the local gym too and did my first work out on the Thursday - an hour of treadmill (ugh), cross trainer (evil), rowing machine (fun) and some weights.  All great until a couple of hours later when I could barely move.  I was actually lying in bed wanting to roll over and not being willing to use the muscles it required, my stomach hurt that much!  I can't say it got much better the next day to be honest.

I know the physical aspect of the trek will be the hardest part, but it's also the bit I have real control over.  I just need to give it my all, get fit, watch what I eat and get my toned butt up that mountain!

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255. 

Alternatively, if you want to sponsor me, you can do so here: http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal

Practice dress up!

Well my boots and thermals certainly got a good try out against the mud and 2 am cold at Bloodstock.  I practically lived in my thermals for the last two days, but thankfully when off to see bands they passed for purple tights and gave me some much needed cool points!!

After years of layers of socks inside thin soled wellies, I've definitely been converted to the joys of proper boots!!

It didn't rain for the first few days, which meant I got to plod around camp in my walking socks, which are amazing!!  Only problem is, they got so much dried grass stuck to the bottom of them that even after a machine wash, I'm still pulling the bloody stuff off it!  Downside was treading where someone had emptied their hot chocolate, and ending up with a soggy brown patch...

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255. 

Alternatively, if you want to sponsor me, you can do so here: http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal

Fat Girls Can't What?

"So, what are you doing Charlotte?"

Innocent enough comment as a group of us sit around talking about my trip, the training I need to do generally to get ready for Nepal, perhaps a justified comment considering that I am officially fat and it doesn't take a genius to look at me, judge me and make that sensible conclusion that i'm probably the biggest on the team. Logic dictates that I must be the least fit, that surely anyone less fit than me wouldn't even consider it!!   However, regardless of this logic, it was the tone of the question and other similar comments from other random people about fitness and exercise that seem pointed at me specifically because of my size.  I think it's more than just my paranoia and internal dialogue having a mean fit. Thankfully, I've not had nor would expect to get such comments from my team, that I imagine their biggest concern is likely to be that I come across as a bit weird!! This was just a random chat between people who don't really know me, yet have the right to judge me on my weight in a way that it isn't socially acceptable to do about anything else.
I smiled politely at the question, explained about how I was going to boot camp and the gym, deflected the answer in my head which ran along the lines of "I'm doing everything I can, I'm trying, I'm having a go, I'm putting myself so far out of my comfort zone I'll need a bloody A to Z (OK, Google Maps) to find my way back, but do you know what?  At least I'm doing it!  I will not be limited by the boundaries of my fear, otherwise i'd never leave the house!!".  I was the polite young lady my father raised.

The conversation moved on to talk about practice walks, and how my Nepal team are going to Snowdon a few months before as a team bonding exercise but also to give people an idea of what they still need to do by way of training and preparedness.  "I guess it'll give people an opportunity to drop out if they're not fit enough, it's not fair on the rest of your team otherwise".  Did I imagine the pointed look that came my way?  I don't think so.

Of course, it's entirely possible this person was being general and inquisitive out of genuine interest in my fitness regime, but again, there's a tone, a look I am becoming accustomed to.  A look that says i'm being ridiculous to want to do what all the other (normal, healthy, not fat) people do, that I can't possibly be as good as everyone else on the team.  It feels like all anyone can see is that I'm fat, so i must be unfit, I must be lazy, that sitting around on my bottom eating chocolate cake (oh god, how I wish I had the time!!) must be my primary endeavour and I'm probably going to get 3 steps up the mountain, cry and demand to be airlifted to the bottom.  Despite the fact that Homeless International don't put restrictions on weight or size (their interest is in your overall health) it seems that like everything else, all we care about is a persons size, and the judgements we get to make about them consequently. And these judgements haven't come from the people who will be doing the trek with me, the people who most have to worry about my capability. It's the trainer at the gym, the guy selling me shoes in the shop, people who are just generally curious about what we're off to do.

Don't get me wrong, i know i need to improve my fitness, but then again if i was 10 stone I'd need to improve my fitness because i don't climb that many mountains or even really hills.  I spend my daytime's split between the office and being out on the estate, I spend my evenings split between running after other peoples teenagers and vegging on the sofa.  I spend any time outside of that seeing family and friends, doing two lots of volunteer work and looking vaguely at the housework which comes at the bottom of all my to-do lists.  Basically, I have the same basic standard of fitness as most of us, with a greater fondness for cake.

I've been dieting on and off (all my adult life?) for the last few years, but when I got married April 2013 there was an additional priority for losing weight, with the hope of the pitter patter of tiny feet in our future.  I've lost some weight, but the pressure I put on myself to lose it is counter-productive, and much of it has yo-yo'd on and off.  I have a slip, I beat myself up, I tell myself that I'm never going to do it and I'll never be a mom, I slip further and on it goes.  However, whilst the pre-wedding diet utterly failed (until, ironically, after the final dress fitting!), the post wedding diet has been a bit better, and I've lost a stone.  There's still a long way to do, but getting fit for Nepal actually feels like less personal pressure.  Knowing that I can't let the team down is actually easier to bear than the feeling that I'm letting myself and my husband down and between eating better and getting friendly with the cross-trainer (and of course April's bootcamp hell) we finally have something approximating progress!

So yes, I need to get fit.  I know that, we all know that.  But actually, despite my desire to vomit at the end of boot camp, I wasn't the one who struggled the most - it was actually someone who far slimmer than me and is definately fitter than me, but we all have different strengths and hers isn't berpies. Encouraging me to do them and ensuring I know that i'm great and can do this whole thing - that's definately more her strength, and i'm grateful that I have people with that positivity in my life. My point is that just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I'm worse off than every one else, doesn't mean that i can't push myself to do what I need to do, and doesn't mean that the looks and the comments don't bother me.

A friends suggested I use the negative comments to spur me on, and whilst I agree on the basis of not wanting to let them get me down, actually that would make it seem like the comments were a good thing. That they were a necessary evil to get me where I need to be, and that actually, making negative comments about people's weight is permissible because it will spur them on.  How about us just being supportive of each other??

This fat girl (because even if I'm super fit and slinky by then, I'll always be a fat girl inside) is going to get to the top of those mountains, I'm not going to throw up and cry at the rope bridges (I might sing the school song - i find it soothing - and everyone else can cry), I'm not going to demand air rescue (Prince William doesn't do that anymore and I doubt he'd be covering Nepal anyway) and I'm going to prove that what anyone else can do, I can do.

Don't judge me on my looks, judge me on my achievements.

You can donate towards the 50k whg has committed to raising for Homeless International by texting HOMELESS to 70099.  You will be charged £2, plus one message at your standard network rate.  100% of your donation will be received by whg and passed on to Homeless International (registered charity number 1017255. 

Alternatively, if you want to sponsor me, you can do so here: http://tinyurl.com/sponsorcharlfornepal